Words are difficult. Translating thoughts into a format that will communicate them to an audience is challenging, and lately I’ve been losing that challenge because I haven’t been attempting to compete.
I feel such a disconnect inside of myself. I have always identified myself as a creative person, as a writer. Yet I find it so difficult for me to actually write anything. I have ideas, but I do nothing with them. My creativity dies before it has a chance to be born. Or, even if I manage to begin something, I leave it unfinished. This makes me feel horrible. I don’t want to be this way. I want to create things, to have something to show to the world.
Lately, it feels a bit like I’ve given up. I have so little motivation to write, that it’s kinda terrifying. I still have all of the same dreams and desires, though, which makes the apathy towards writing feel even worse.
I feel like this horrible cycle began a long time ago. At one point, I wrote without a care, and wrote simply because I wanted to. I didn’t have the specific aspiration to become a writer yet. I had no goals, no expectations, and no fear. Later, when I realized how much I enjoyed writing, the desire to publish something someday grew. As that feeling grew, the pressure to write well increased. The bigger the goal, the more stressed out I felt about my writing. I began to analyze my words as I wrote them, and the amount of words that I kept diminished. I began to experience writer’s block. I began to lose my motivation to work. I began to lose my impulse to create. And the once quickly flowing river shrunk to a trickle of a stream.
I try to tell myself that the first draft is allowed to suck, and that I can edit it later, but it’s so incredibly hard for me to turn off that voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering, “How does that sentence compare to [insert a famous author]’s work, and are you sure that your main character isn’t turning in a Mary Sue?” The most frightening thing that the voice whispers is “are you sure that you aren’t wasting your time and effort on this? It’s not like you’re ever going to actually get published.”
My response to writer’s block has always been to walk away from the work, and return to it once I feel the urge to work on it again. Whenever I try to sit down to write, I cannot write. I can only successfully write a substantial amount when I’m “in the mood” or struck with inspiration. So I wait “to be in the mood”. I’ve been wondering lately if this is actually a good idea, or if I’m just “not trying hard enough” when I sit down to specifically try to write.
All I know is that I want to create, and I’m struggling to be able to do that lately.
Nicole's Creative Thoughts 
Dee
June 3, 2015 at 4:53 pm
Once again, I feel the urge to say “twinsies”. This sounds a lot like what I’ve been feeling the past few years. I can’t say that I’ve managed to shed the insecurity (and probably never will), but the best thing for me, at least, has been to write every morning before the coffee’s kicked in and I’ve had a chance to think about it. It doesn’t always amount to a lot of words, but it always amounts to some.
nichorlings
June 3, 2015 at 10:44 pm
A huge part of the problem is that I can’t designate a specific time per day to write because my schedule switches around so much. When I’m in school, I have a different schedule of lectures and seminars each day, and on top of that, various amounts of homework. During the summer I switch between day shift and night shift every week. I’ll think that I have figured out a good time, and the next thing I know I have to do something else.
Also, it’s kinda weird, but the busier I am, the more motivation I have to work on writing. The moments that I feel the most inspired are the times when I have a huge essay due within the next few days, but of course, I can’t just take some time off to write because I have an essay due. Then when I get done the essay and have time, I’m mentally tired and have lost the inspiration.
I’m glad that you have found a time that works for you though! I’ve heard before that writing while you’re still in dreaming mode can be amazing.
Dee
June 4, 2015 at 3:24 am
I can relate to the schedule switches as well. I work as a freelancer, so I rarely know what my work load will be the next day, let alone next week or month. It was even worse when I was in school, because then I had to work around lectures and paper writing and all that stuff. I didn’t get a whole lot written back then.
Remember that you don’t have to carve out all that much time every day though. If you can only find five minutes one day, that’s okay. I only did 15 this morning, because I’ve got work up to my ears.
nichorlings
June 6, 2015 at 4:03 pm
You’re right, I definitely could try harder. I do have time to do 5 – 15 minutes everyday. I am more used to doing things in spurts though, and typically write for several hours at a time when I do actually write.
Dee
June 6, 2015 at 5:45 pm
Listen to me, preaching about writing every day. I definitely don’t think that everyone needs to write every day… You just need to do it often enough that you don’t get all rusty between each time.
nichorlings
June 6, 2015 at 5:50 pm
Agreed. For some, like me, trying to write every day would make writing sessions more stressful, and would probably make them write less in general. For others, it would totally improve their writing. Regardless, everyone benefits and becomes better by writing more, they just have different writing patterns that work for them.
(btw, I’m really enjoying this discussion 🙂 )